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There's a reason why her initials are S and M ...
20th-Jan-2009 03:28 pm
As I Would Be Heard
This isn't directed at anyone, just something that came gushing out this afternoon.

Nobody really wants to hear about it when I'm down.

They edge away, find other things to do, don't call back. I'm not sure why.

Maybe they're afraid of Saying Something Wrong, messing things up. "You should talk to a professional about this."

But I'm not asking for someone to fix my life for me. I'm an adult; I know that's not how it works.

Suck it up, put on the big girl panties, grow a thicker skin, I can do all that. Usually.

Maybe they're afraid I'll ask too much. Absorb their limited time and energy and give nothing back.

They've got their own problems after all, some bigger than mine.

I don't know. I'd like to think that what I offer is worth more than what I ask, but I can't tell.

I can't tell.

Is it too much?

To want a little time, a pair of ears, a chance to be understood?

I swear I'd offer the same in return if ever it were needed.

Maybe I pushed people away at the wrong times, and they think I'll do it again.

If I did I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

For me there is no worse feeling than knowing I've hurt someone else.

Even loneliness is better. Number. Self-contained.

So if I did I'm sorry.

Maybe I've covered up too well, kept people from seeing.

Too scared to be vulnerable.

(Because that's the second-worst feeling, being vulnerable.)

Too scared that people will edge away, find other things to do, not call back.

Self-fulfilling prophecy, that.

Maybe people think I don't need, when all the while I sit here, too paralyzed to say

20th-Jan-2009 10:35 pm (UTC)

If you want to talk, let me know. I don't like seeing people I know upset.
20th-Jan-2009 11:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks, hon. I'm really just externalizing some issues I've run into off and on for years now.
20th-Jan-2009 11:00 pm (UTC)
Except that talking to a professional isn't asking someone else to fix your problems/life for you. It's having someone help you find the tools you need to fix it yourself.
20th-Jan-2009 11:12 pm (UTC)
I know, believe me. And I'm not denigrating the professionals or what they do. I've just run into many people who seem to think that if they're not a professional, they're not qualified to even listen. The OMGI'LLFUCKITUP attitude.

But yeah, if I were going to polish this mess for any reason, I'd probably change that phrasing.
20th-Jan-2009 11:28 pm (UTC)
I thought you wanted me to leave.
20th-Jan-2009 11:30 pm (UTC)
No. Not ever. *snugs*

(Not that this was directed at you hon, but those three words stand, I promise.)

Edited at 2009-01-20 11:32 pm (UTC)
20th-Jan-2009 11:32 pm (UTC)
*hugs you*

Get my attention, 'cause my head has managed to worm its way up my ass again (and I've been sleeping way too much lately), I will listen to you. You've got my digits, right? I will brave Rich's disapproval for a cell-phone call.

*love you*
20th-Jan-2009 11:45 pm (UTC)
I will and I do. *schnoogles* I just needed to vent a bit, really. Get it out where I could look at it instead of letting it rattle around inside.
20th-Jan-2009 11:36 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Sorry you're feeling down.

btw...I absolutely love what you wrote.
20th-Jan-2009 11:51 pm (UTC)
Awww. Just knowing that you liked it helps. Thank you. :)
21st-Jan-2009 12:12 am (UTC)
*HUGS* It's all I can say
21st-Jan-2009 12:13 am (UTC)
21st-Jan-2009 05:20 pm (UTC)
no t-shirt ... but ... yeah.
21st-Jan-2009 06:28 pm (UTC)
Oh yes. *skwish*
21st-Jan-2009 09:15 pm (UTC)
Oh, Chris. *sigh* This is beautiful -- even though you are writing it because you are feeling sad.

I understand the urge to put it down on paper* (so to speak) and how that often helps.

I'm going to try to be around more now. I'll look for you.

*It was quite cathartic to NaNo my Iraq experience.
21st-Jan-2009 09:29 pm (UTC)
I'll take a notebook with me to my therapy sessions. One of the things about being a writer ... no matter how effed-up a situation gets, there's always a little voice in the back of your head saying, "ooooo, I can use that."
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